sometimes i just do not understand meanness. i am talking about deliberate, cold hearted, narrow minded, meanness. sure we can all accidentally hurt feelings without even knowing it, or maybe do something out of frustration to upset another in a desperate plea for our own attention, but that is not always the case. and i can be a lot of things, but feel proud to say that flat out MEAN is just not one of them. so, when i see people just be purposefully mean, i am boggled. like, how do you sleep at night boggled. or, sort of, how in the world do you get up everyday thinking something great coulda, woulda, shoulda happen to you...ever. its truly bothersome.
and i know you all know at least one mean jean. if you don't, lucky. but, i bet you have at least witnessed the act from time to time. i unfortunately know a couple, but once i figure it out, i'm pretty quick to turn the other direction and run like hell. and seriously, you have to beware, because there are different varieties of meanies lurking out there. the other day out of no where a mean mean man literally followed me i have no idea how far until i got out of my car, just so he could roll down his window and tell me, very colorfully, what he thought about me, my mother, and my driving skills. i was dumbfounded. i just turned my 200 pound body straight at him and shook my head. what a bozo. i mean really. he was that upset he had to follow me for at least ten minutes out of his own way to do what? rewind time? nope. that didn't happen. what a waste. again. boggled.
or there was the first time someone i knew was sort of dark inside came after me. yikes. i was not shocked by the hatefullness, but the extent to which one can take such an attack was insane. this person literally did things deliberatly to me that i never even knew people did outside of a movie set. it was scary and i would wish that nastiness on no one else. in time it also surfaced how many others had been chewed up and spit out by the rath of this purposeful uglyness, insane.
or there is the worst kind of mean. the intentional kind from a person you would never expect it from. ouch. if you know it. you know the sting. and at least for me, when i get hit with this venom i tend to have all sorts of ideas about why this is happening. but deep inside i just feel sad. like the real kind of sad. the kind that i can't shake and usually need a day or two to let settle before i can piece together the shattered ideas it left. not fun. and it always leads to a bittersweet reminder of how sensitive i really am, even though i claim to be a pretty tough girl on the outside.
meanness has always bothered me since i was little. its kept me up at night, and more often than not will lead to some sort of physical illness or consequence. its shakes my soul and i wish it just didn't exist. my parents have shared with me two moderately different views on why it even exists. one believes that people live by choices. and you will reap what you sow. a what goes around comes around sort of idea. and i have to admit, that seems to be pretty true in what i have witnessed over my thirty years. however, another stands firmly to see only the good in others, believing that if its not unintentional hurtfulness, it must be something awful leading them to this unkind way. it was put, "sometimes linda, people are just sick on the inside, long before they ever even know it. and it has no where to go. it can take over, and the person just can't help it until they understand more about what is happening." interesting right. both so right, but both such different takes. can we control it? or it is bigger than us? tough call.
i have tossed these ideas around for a long time. years. like i said, real meanies, really get to me. and i still am not sure if there is only one response to the why of it all. but overall i think there is a root to the unkindness. i believe that maybe it is not always a poison working its way to the surface, but maybe its just some scars that sit. or some unasked for moments that forever change the way a person feels they must act. the later almost too unfair and sad to believe some days. either way i know that even when i have a snarky moment there is typically some hurt behind it. and that is where i have grown to find my ability to cope. when i see someone be hurtful in a grocery store line. or (god forbid) witness a little bully bother my sweet boy because he thinks no one is watching. or when someone i know goes out of their way to make me feel like less. i choose to believe they are hurting more than i can possibly understand. i believe that the best thing i can do is be there. take their hit and walk away. i wish i were big enough to help them every time. to ask why or what is really going on, but most times i am just too bothered to think that fast. so i go to the big man upstairs and let him know. i then thank him that it is not me feeling so overwhelmed with unhappiness that i must spread it. i move forward with the faith that he will help them sort it out and also on to a place where they no longer feel the way they must be feeling on the inside.
i am not sure if that is the right thing, or the cowardly thing,
but for now it helps and seems to be my thing.
