these last three days have been...well, whaaaa waaaaa. nothing god awful has happened, but it seems to just be a series of misfortunes. and with these wacky hormones it takes very little for me to feel boo-hooey about this or that. pathetic, i know. and when these little mishaps occur, i want to feel sorry myself, but the guilt of being so whiny over really little somethings, makes me feel even worse. (did i mention i am pregnant and hormonal, ha ha).
at any rate, since monday i just have felt in a funk. then i realized that monday was august 1st. august. ughhhhhh august. i have been dreading august, since, um... may. not kidding. all because in the back of my mind, august is when i know i have to go back to work. august ends the beautiful summer of no work. august brings the return of responsibilities and schedules. august stops sleeping and starts an early wake up call. and worst of all, august ends my 24/7 streak of doing what i love mos... spending every day with dash.
this summer held more weight than most for me, mostly because i knew it was going to be the last summer ever that was just dash and i. pretty heavy. so heavy in fact, that subconsciously when august rolled around, it automatically triggered some major anxiety.
please do not mistake it, i am very grateful for my job. in fact, when i know everything with my family is covered, i like being there. but, if i am being honest, i hate not being with dash. i miss him. i miss him a lot. and i wish he was always with me. something will happen and i know he would love it, or it would make him laugh. i will see something and it will remind me of one of our bazillion little inside jokes. or sometimes, life feels overwhelming and i want him there to kiss me with his slobbery teeny lips and remind me instantly that i have more than i ever deserve. i know life happens and working (for me) is a necessary part. and of course i do believe it could be MUCH worse. but still. i know i will miss him.
i realize i could spend the next 15 days wishing for more time, but what good would that be? instead i will put on big girl underpants, swallow my tears, and be so thankful for every single minute since june 6th that i have not had to miss him. i will spend these last few dog days of summer making sure we make some memories that send it out with a smile. i will avoid focusing on what is not, and instead give my full attention to what is. i will focus on this little person i adore so much. and i will remind myself that missing is just a tiny little side effect of loving him so much.
