you may, or may not, have noticed that i did not blog the last two days. i wish it were because i was soooo busy giggling and frolicking on some sunny island. that is not why. the last two days were, well, not good. which is exactly why i SHOULD have been blogging. the purpose of this bad boy is to become more open with others, to expose my real life, and to hopefully in the midst of my own chaos reveal a little moment or two that you can read about, relate to and no longer feel alone.
so.
i am having a baby in november. this is a beautiful thing. that being said, it has complicated so much. i am a momma already and i am versed in all that changes when you have a child, however, this go around, i feel like a foreigner. i feel like although (thank the big man upstairs) everything is, or will be, ok, its just so complicated. yesterday i went in to my office to (what i thought) confirm my maternity leave. my work does not do a paid maternity leave. ok, not that unheard of, and yes, i do know this. what i was told by the director of the school last spring was that i would be able to have my pay distributed for my days gone though out the school year. meaning, i was expecting a pretty hefty cut from my monthly checks for not being present over the 12 weeks of leave during the school year. fair? sure. as i tra-la-laa into the new HR lady's office (p.s. pretty sure HR stands for Hell Raiser) she informed me that all agreements previously made no longer exist and i will NOT be receiving any pay for my leave. i puke in my mouth. i feel my stomach fall out of my rear end. i say, so you are saying that in two months i will have no income. zero paycheck. no money. she kindly says something like (it all sort of got hazy and sour at this point for me) well as it states in your handbook mam, and FLMA etc blah. no paycheck. in two little months i'd have nothing.
yes i am married, and yes my sweet husband does work very hard for the money, but cutting my leading income to nothing, is not an option. hello?! poverty thursday. naturally, my innocent three year old boy is watching me through his thick little glasses as this lady is explaining to me i'd have no lively hood, and i know as his momma it is my job to keep him none the wiser. so i thank her for her time and see myself out. asap.
i spend the evening playing that it never happened for the sake of my child, who looked at me with those big eyes for the next SEVEN hours. once he was finally in bed. i lost it. i do not even know what "it" is, but it doesn't matter because nothing was ok. i was a total mess. a new low of fear had taken over me and i had no idea how to behave. i was sick.
my poor husband happen to fall victim to such displays and after watching me sob, gag, scream, and say the nastiest, most hurtful, untrue things i could to him. he did what any right minded husband would do. he walked out of the house. he left me.
but don't worry because he came back shorty after he had cooled off. and don't worry also because i was still in lunatic mode. and the fact that he could leave and i felt so lost, and out of control, and stuck, only made me get even uglier. (you prolly thought there would be a kiss and make-up moment there, um no) i am not sure exactly what twisted it, but finally he must have seen my desperation because he finally just followed me in my room, grabbed my arm and held me. and i melted. i had a complete melt down in his safe arms. i said things i had been feeling for so long, but had such guilt about, i confessed to him my fears and what a failure i felt like. and then, i said i was sorry. and i was. i was so sorry for the way i had behaved, not only in that night, but for months. i was sorry that i said those gross words that i do not really even mean. i was sorry that i was being such a coward and pushing him away out of fear that he too would not turn out the way i had imagined (which is something i really cannot bare to even think about). i was sorry i had let my insecurities get the best of me. i was sorry for not being the wife that i really want to be. and i was sorry for waiting until that very moment to tell him something he deserved to hear a long, long time ago.
it was a rough day to say the least.
then came the sunshine and as i lay in bed, my eyes swollen almost completely shut from the fiasco hours before, i looked over and found a sweet little boy face just staring at me. he leaned in and whispered, hey get up, your eyes look awful. i had to laugh. the boy only speaks the truth.
i then got the dreaded call from the director of my schools confirming what the HR person had said. no pay for my entire leave. then she said... sorry. really? you're sorry? ok.
option 1: spend the day crying and feeling sorry for myself. get to work right away on my letter to the board about all of the other employees who had been given special treatment including, actual PAID maternity, the option to work summer to "make up" time, and of course those who had negotiated pay which i was told i would have. i could go in with an attorney, have the dirty laundry a-wavin and show those cold hearted fools who they were messing with. i could let my insecurities and my fears of loosing my home and (believe it or not) even worse to me, leaving my baby girl with a stranger when she has only been on this earth for a few weeks, lead my reaction to this misfortune.
OR
option 2: i could take a deep breath and not waste this day on them. i could take the information i have and sit on it. i could cool down for a day or two and weigh my options. which i do have. i mean, its not hard to complete with NO income when looking for jobs. i could trust that my husband and i can handle this as a team and that we would survive this. i could spend the day with my happy son at the museum and playing outside in the rain. i could remember that i even though this is crazy overwhelming, it is not everything. i could change my attitude and remember that when all is said and done. i will have a supportive husband, an adoring little boy and beautiful baby girl. and they, will have a damn good employee who has no loyalty to them.
i am proud to say (with the strong influence of those who love me most) i choose option 2.
... oh, and the museum with dash was great.
