its no secret that i love to shop. i like loooovvveee to shop. and i love nice, fancy, luxurious things, really who doesn't? i mean i have yet to meet someone who says, i loooooove craptasitc junk. but, the years filled with my extreme love for things has finally caught up to me. i realize that all of this silly shop, shopin is no longer just innocent fun for me. its taken an ugly turn, and it is now a weakness in my life. it is my weakness. wait.wait.wait. its not the shopping that es el problemo per se, really after being a single momma with no job, i have actually learned to enjoy shopping with $200, or $20, but my lack of financial responsibility is. it is a big problem. at this point in life my past choices have made my financial situation feel irresponsible, and as humiliated as i am to even put it out there in bloggy land, i feel like i must. this has always been my place to be vulnerable, and by hiding this little tidbit, i am not being honest with all of you who have been so honest with and accepting of me. i mean they do say the first step in ridding of a problem is admitting you have one, right???
my name is linda and i have financial problems.
hiiiii linda.
in my defense over the past five years i have made major progress in this part of my life. at one point, i had twenty four store credit cards, all with over 24.99% interest rates. and they were maxed. -i will give you a minute to change your pants if you need to- i know, it was awful. at 21 years old i graduated college, moved to the city, and went ba-nanas. no other way to explain it. i had no clue what i was doing. no one ever taught me about the gigantic long term mistake that credit cards are. all i knew was that my apartment was straight out of a pottery barn catalog, my car was spiffy and sexy, my beauty regimen was always on its A game, my belly always happy, and my wardrobe...was to die for. it was so much fun. and so stupid. this way of living went on for a long time. too long. i have since rid of all but three store cards. and i no longer look first at labels, but rather at price. i always ask myself, why am i buying this. and i keep my shopping to safe areas, ie sales/deals/discount sections. does this mean i am in a better place than i was with spending? yes. does this mean i am in a place i want to be financially? no way jose.
here's what.
this week as i sat in church listening to the good word, my mind began to wander. it wandered over to two families i know have been handed a big, steaming, plate of bad. both families at that very moment were in hospitals literally fighting for one more day hour. both held momma's who's hearts were broken. lives who were devastated. families who would give anything to trade spots with little ole me at that very moment. and i knew i was needlessly helpless in one major way. i prayed for them both individually. i prayed really hard. i know that the fate of both the ill is only in god's hands and their healing is now beyond medical intervention. but still, i wanted to do something. and then i realized i was stuck. it was there that i realized what i wanted to do for both of those families, i could not do. and it was all in vain. i was sick over it. disgusted. and right there in that dimly lit church i made myself and the big man a promise. i have got to change.
here i am. completely healthy. happy. so blessed. i have more than the necessary tools to help not only myself, but these beautiful and deserving families. and i had let my poor decisions get in my own way. uuugggghhh. i should be able to reach out to these families in a financial way and relieve some of their stress and worry. i should be able to use the gifts i have been given to earn a respectable income, benefit more than just myself.
i know i cannot fix this here and now. and maybe not even this year. but i know i can make new, more responsible choices to ensure that this stops. that i get myself and my family to a place where we can provide support to others. there needs to be no more excuses. there needs to be a lot more sacrifice.
i have known that living pay check to pay check isn't ideal for sometime. and i can't tell you how many tears of frustration i have cried over not being able to fincinaly be in a place where i can not work, and just share in every single moment of my children's lives. but, for whatever reason, this day and this consequence, is the one that buckled my knees. i have been blessed with so much. for this to be my weakness, something i can totally control, something i have the power to change, is unacceptable.
to give is to receive. now its my turn to give. as i have shared before i will always have a soft spot for momma's. so no, i can't call and tell this momma i have a plane ticket waiting for her to come home and spend a long weekend with her daughters. and no, i can't tell that momma not to worry about her other children's needs or the mortgage this month while she and her husband are out of work, sitting by their infant son's bedside hanging on to every breath. but i can still do something. i can rally my talented husband to take some beautiful photos of those precious girls to print and display in the hospital room. i can offer to listen and chat 24 hours a day to all of the scariness she is enduring. i will remember that when pulled in one direction, as a momma, a piece of your heart stays with your other children and all you want is for them to happy and safe, so i can help make sure that happens and offer this broken momma give peace of mind. i can do a lot that doesn't cost in the in between time. and i will.
does this mean i will stop shopping and lusting and bargain hunting? never. its who i am. its what i love to do. but i will no longer allow that to take the front seat to bigger, more important things. i will no longer do it at the expense of living the life i want to live, or being the person i want to be. i vow to make my weakness, my strength in giving. i vow to no longer let superficial be an excuse. i vow to always remember how much i already have. i vow to change this in order to be a better wife, mother, daughter and friend from here on out.
