fear.

i recently read...

FEAR IS A FRIEND WHO'S MISUNDERSTOOD.

is that true? i think it is a "friend" that is often very clear, and bossy, and sort of rude sometimes. perhaps, the friend piece comes in the underlying intentions fear often brings that i do believe are from the best place of worry or concern, but still, i'm pretty sure the word friend is being used prreetttty loosely.  

i am not exactly even sure when we met, real fear and i, but when i stop and think, i guess i'd say around the time i became a momma.

uh, linda meet fear. it somehow has you by the balls. and will for some time. 

super. nice to meet you.

argggg.

in the past five years i have taken some risks, but very few, and within those there was a lot of stress, micro managing and confidence that they would not, could not fail. i know that i have been leading my life with fear.

and i am tired of it.

its not good.

i am not sure why now, or what clicked, but i am realizing day by day that this fear is costing me a lot.

and i am the only reason, the only person, allowing it.

it has to stop.

when i think of all of the insane, unexpected, odd twists i have taken in life, i know there was no genuine fear involved. yes some stung, yes some were expensive (in multiple ways), yes some were baaad news bear. but overall, they were magical, and they made me...me. and even though some were risky moves, i never once was really afraid. fear did not have a say. so riddle me this...
when did i loose my ability to separate caution/caring/adventure... and fear?

i am in a place now where i am learning again to understand myself and my faith. i know that god has got a plan and i know it is safe. i know that if i am aware of opportunities passing me by wrapped inside fears slimy little palm, that is a problem. a biggin'. i know god has presented it all and i know he wouldn't let me see it, if i shouldn't see it. 

last sunday in church it was shared that saying yes to one little thing, could very well be saying no to a lot of little things. and that is ok. listen. pay attention. and have faith in god. go slow. let doubt mean don't. and keep being linda.

i do like that. so, i am going to say yes to one thing. i am going to say yes to letting go of fear. and while i am at it.  yes to change. yes to life. yes to some risk. and yes to opportunities that i know will not be easy, but will be exciting and worth it. and in doing this my millions of no's i am sure will have to surface, but they will no longer be contained in the hands of fear. ummm fear-friend, you are no longer invited to this party. sorry.

 this will not be easy, and sometimes might be really scary, but i can do this.
one day at a time.