parenting.

alright folks. this is a total momma post, so there you go, consider yourself warned...

now. where do i begin?

seems like lately i always question my parenting. not the day to day really. i mean, i love my babies. i have my parenting philosophies, beliefs, and i feel pretty confident in the decisions we make together 98% of the time. but there is that nagging 2% that for some reason feels so huge. it's the 2% of the time that i have to really parent my child. do you know it? do you despise it the way i do? please say yes.

its the 2% that demands you be firm, even when you do not want to. those little moments where the only right thing to do, is be consistent. the piece of this beautiful puzzle of motherhood, that in a blink of an eye, can feel so ugly. that cold flush that can cover all of the warmth you share. 

we have said moments from time to time 'round here. and really, i have never let them get to me so much as i have lately. i think it was because, i knew that dash was always too little to really remember the discipline. or at least i let myself believe that. but now he remembers, and he knows good from bad choices. now we've passed the surface issues of right from wrong choice, and are diving head first into the right and wrong thing, i find myself holding my breath. it seems in an instant, i have had to cross over into that territory where we are no longer teaching my child the basics of manners and function, but now i am molding a human! i am guiding a little boy who will become a man. someone who will encounter other humans that may be not so kind. someone who will be faced with decisions about life's cruelest demons. someone who will, gulp, one day be a parent himself and pass on these lessons i am sharing to my future grand babies. eeks.

i have entered a territory where i can't always fix what happens. i can't stop it before it starts. i can't manipulate and control the exposure or encounters. and i must admit, this part is not. fun. in fact, its scary. 


i pray that god will watch my boy. and i teach dash to trust in him as well. i hope that life is good to him and keeps him safe and strong. i talk to him. more that he wants to hear. but, only because i know in my heart, he is listening. i tell him i love him a ridiculous amount of times per day. and i believe that if god thinks i can do this, then i can. i remember that dash chose me to make his life the very best, and i am committed to never disappointing. i swallow that icky lump in my throat that seems to make its presence known more than i can ever remember before, and i stare this new chapter of mommy-hood dead in the eyes...

bring it "preschool" years.