dear god.
i wish we could meet up for coffee. i wish we could sit down together and i could ask you a few questions. not because i am questioning you or this life, but because i just need some answers. it has been a rough couple of days, ok a rough year, and i am just not sure the reasons. i believe there are real, valid, reasons. but i, for the life of me, cannot find them. so if we could just sit down together i'd ask you why...
why did i ever get married in 2006, if it was only going to last 6 weeks?
why did i get so lucky as to have the most amazing pregnancy?
why did dash pick me?
why do i remember that time in my life as one of happiest, when really it was the saddest?
why did you take me to a place where i felt my absolute strongest as a single mom?
why did you lead me into the career of special education, even though i never sought it out?
why did you lead me into a second marriage in which i felt like all my dreams of family had come true?
why did you insist i share dash's baby & toddler years with someone who didn't love him the way i do?
why did i only get that feeling of complete arrival with my sweet boy, handsome husband and new baby for three short months?
why did i never get to meet that sweet baby that i wanted so so badly?
why two weeks later was my husband offered that job?
why didn't i know i was severely suffering from PPD until over a year later from the loss of that baby?
why did my husband take that job?
why when i begged him not to, did he keep it?
why did i have to go into such a dark place that was so scary and unfamiliar alone?
why once i felt more myself did i get pregnant again?
why in the midst of a marital disaster did you bless me with this sweet baby girl inside?
why did i think i should give my husband the ultimatum?
why did he choose the job?
why didn't you just let me relax and flow along with him and his dreams?
why did noa choose me?
why did we have those few weeks of reconnection?
why did they disappear?
why is it two weeks ago we sat in our home and decided to work together to move forward?
why did you let me walk one foot in front of the other into that attorney's office to change visitation for dash?
why did i not pay my bills to pay that attorney?
why did i get a job interview set on february seventeenth for a denver job i was actually excited about?
why did i keep all of this to myself for a big surprise on our planned saturday date night?
why god did i open that text yesterday saying he had a change of heart?
why does he keep saying "we" when i do not feel the same?
why when i finally get the courage to admit the PPD and the battle i have overcome is it too late?
why can i not agree that in a marriage it should never be too late?
why can't people make people love them?
why at thirty years old am i feeling my first real shattered heart? don't most girls do this at age fourteen?
why do i have to start over again. with two small children who deserve more?
why god do i have the best dad in the entire world?
why, despite my greatest, most genuine attempts can't i give that to my children?
why is your plan for me so complicated?
why is it not what i envision for myself, but at the same time seem to fit?
why are my goods so good, but my bads so bad?
why have you brought me to this?
why do you think i can do this?
why today do i feel like i can't?
needless to say god i have a few things i just would like a better understanding of. i am beyond grateful for this life. for what matters. for my health. for my family. for my friends. for these two perfect babies. for my self respect. for my mind. for my heart.
i know in time these answers will come. and patience is a virtue. one i admittedly have to work very hard to find. but i will wait. i will fake self confidence until i can find it again. i will trust you will bring me through this and will find my happy again. but god one more question,
why can't we just fast forward past the painful parts?
