dear dash,
how are you five? you can't really be five? already? in my mind you are still, just little.
i feel like yesterday we met. i remember it all so clearly, which is extra strange considering i usually remember only snapshots, and never details. but i remember every single one of that day. all of the moments. that hospital. the sheer terror. the excitement. the smells. the sounds. i know it was real, but still, it seems like a dream. i remember the first time i saw you, and you had my exact same nose. identical. i remember how unreal it felt seeing my distinct feature on another face. and i remember when those faceless hands brushed your warm face against mine. i remember my arms being strapped to that operating table and feeling like i would die, but your sweet breath in that exact moment making me feel like i was just beginning to live. i will never, ever, forget it.
i remember feeling so alone, but so together. i knew in an instant you were a blessing sent to save me from myself. and you did. you have.
i remember lying there with you, alone in the hospital, and even though everything was a mess, i felt happier than i had ever felt. i knew you. not just that day, but my entire life. you were exactly what i had known you would be. pure perfection. beautiful from the inside out.
i remember before you were here, i had so many thoughts on the momma i'd be. rules, judgements, philosophies. what a fool. you have always known who you are. what you need. and what suits you best. from day one. and i, have always admired that about you. i'll admit, trusting my infant seemed a little crazy, even to me. but you have always been so smart. so careful. so diligent. and in all five years, you have never once led me to doubt myself in following your lead. of course, this meant all my "rules" were out. but i've never once minded. and i'm not sure i ever really told you, but thank you for teaching me how it really is ok to just make your own...and respect others enough to let them do the same.
i remember when you turned one, and although that first year was quick, it was not a blur. i was there, every second. and i paid attention. i still remember the days in that first year as my favorite in this lifetime. you have always had a way of making my soul feel it has a companion. you always get me.
i've done my best to love and consider you each day, and i know we've had one crazy ride. we have been up, and we have been down, but we have always been a team. your loyalty inspires me and has made me want to better mine.
you have changed me for the better in so many ways. ways i hope as you grow, you understand. ways i hope i can show you. you have made me kinder, softer, and more understanding. you have made me braver, and taught me to love. really love. you have found me, when i was lost even from myself. you have seen me, when i was unrecognizable. you have inspired me to keep moving when i wanted to just stop. you have loved me, even when i did not deserve it. and the most beautiful part is, you don't even know it. you're just you, being you.
i understand that you are a blessing to me. and for reasons i will never fully comprehend, god believed i deserved to be your momma. you chose me. for that, i am eternally grateful.
i know i am not perfect, but i thank you for always loving me as if i am.
i will love you the exactly the same. for your entire life, and mine.
i pray that as more birthday's pass, you continue to be you. i pray that other people get to feel and know someone so sweet and kind and lovely as you. i pray that as you grow, you are happy.
you have done more than you will ever know for me in these past five years. and noa and i are so grateful to have you as our own. you are a treasure in this great big world and i know you will do great things.
happy happy birthday dashy d. it has been my honor to love you, and i cannot wait to see where the next five years leads us... this is only our beginning.
always yours,
momma.
