lately i have been back and forth about what to do with this little blog of mine.
i started it with the intentions of opening myself up to others. mission. accomplished. i feel that i have connected with people on a level i never even knew was possible. i made new friends. i re connected with old ones. i gave insight to those who thought they knew me. and i have served as a connection of commonality with people i don't even know. it has been so nice, and quite therapeutic.
now a year, or so, into it, i feel like its time to re evaluate. as with life, things change and evolve. its time for me to grow this blog. but how?
i contemplated an attempt to use this little bloggy as a place of business. lots of people make good bucks off these bad boys, and with all of your support and the feedback i have received, i thought...maybe me? but no. it just doesn't feel right. i love blogging from my heart. i love writing about what i want, when i want. i'm afraid turning this happy hobby into work, could well, make it feel like work. so. pass.
i have to be honest too, and admit that i did get a little negative feedback from my blog recently. which to my surprise threw me for a bit of a loop. the judgement. the ick talk. turns out, as i should have known, that when you expose yourself in such a way through the interweb, yes everyone can follow, and yes everyone will have an opinion. nards. and true to form, sometimes it is just not nice. what i know and wish i was more confident in believing is that its not always the truth. their truth, possibly. but THE truth, not necessarily. i guess i just don't get why some bother. if you know you're not a fan of mine, or you do not like to read what i write...do not read. do not log on. do not follow. seems so simple.
but to some, clearly, it is not.
ouch.
this criticism was heard, but met with confusion as it was not something i could fully take constructively because this blog of mine, is me. i can't erase my thoughts, and just because its being judged, i do not want to edit myself. i'm sorry if that makes me not my prettiest self to another. but its just me. i know i can be tough, but as i am sure can read with this. i also can be sensitive. and this really hurt my feelings.
but, wait. wait. wait. i guess the criticism maybe was taken into consideration with a positive twist after all. because here i am, re evaluating this blog. not really WHAT i write, but WHY i write it. for me. and this movement, this thought, my friends, i suppose is exactly what i needed.
so after vetoing the same ol, same ol. and nixing the blog for profit route. i sort of felt lost in it. should i stop? were "they" right? am i just feeling a little too vulnerable? does what i bother to write even matter? finally i decided i would just stop thinking about it all. i took some time and just let it rest. (p.s. this is huge for me...patience, thinking thoroughly... not usually my thing). and by god people, it came to me. it was always there, but it was finally so clear. duh linda, duh.
i am blogging for them.
i am blogging so they will be able to look back and have this record to know their momma.
i am blogging so when they are older they will understand so much more.
i am blogging so they will know how much i love them, how they have changed me, how inspiring they really are.
i am blogging so when we all grow up and i am just their old mom. middle aged, content, predictable, mom-ish. they will know it was a long road to get there.
if they ever wonder about me feeling the way they do, they can know that i have.
or if i was ever...gasp, sort of young?!?!?
if they ever feel alone, or lost. i want them to know that it happens.
i want them to know i have lived life too.
i want them to know that it was with challenge, and effort. failure and victory.
that some days i was sad, but all along, just knowing them, even on my very worst days, made me so indescribably happy.
i want them to know i am far from perfection, but i am doing my very best.
i am blogging to document my life as me, for them.
what else could possibly mean more...
and so begins a brand new breath, into a familiar old blog....
i couldn't be more inspired.
